Because I follow the leader...

I'm curious to see what you guys think...

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Danielle+the+Pineapple

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Danielle+les+Pineapple

Answer honestly ;)

The last goodbye...

And things do hurt
As tears are shed
A life less ordinary
With heartbreak unsaid

Thy wounds will heal
As time doth fly
Within this moment
I no longer cry

For strength I must have
To face the day
And my love for another
Will not get in my way

If there is one thing I could tell you...
Date: Wednesday, April 07 @ 11:14:05 EOT Written by Matt Lazzara, September 7th... "The clock is ticking...."

I don't think a lot of people sit around and contemplate their lives. I mean, people think about their futures and what they're going to do, and what they should have done in order to achieve something, but I don't think anyone contemplates their present. What they're doing right now. Everyone's heard of living in the moment or whatever, but I think very few people act on it. Myself included and that's something that I regret immensely.

Life is a finite thing. Obviously, everyone's life is going to end, but mine has a time limit. No surprises for me, and depressingly enough, that time limit is going to run out rather soon. I've never really told anyone how long I have left, or what exactly (in great detail) is wrong with me, because I would rather my friends viewed me as a vital, volatile, rather silly human being, but, at the age of 21, most people don't understand or know how to contemplate the thought that someone you know is going to die soon - they would abandon me for more secure, lasting relationships.

So everyday, every minute is vital to me. The most mundane things are breaths of fresh air. The things that most people take for granted but shouldn't - a kiss, a pudding fight, a good long walk or an intriguing conversation - are now intensely important to me, and I think they should be important to everyone. The fact that I know I won't be able to experience these things makes them achingly more important to me, and makes me desperate to achieve them one more time.

I want to close my eyes and kiss a girl one more time; the kind of kiss that makes you feel like you're floating, the kind where you forget to do something with your hands because it's so good. I want to go camping, and lay in the grass and think how naively beautiful the day is. I want to shoot off fireworks and run away when the cops pull up. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me something nice about myself. I want to be able to read the paper and deride George W. to someone, and have them hate that asshole with me. I want to sit on a stoop late into the night, drinking shitty beer and telling stories. I want to feel alive, and not dead or dying, and think that those things - the most trivial and passing connections to the world and people in it - are violently important.

So this is my contribution to you. I'm desperately telling you - all of you - to take advantage of your youth and vitality. I hear too many people talking about college and getting shitty jobs afterward. I hear too many people talking about work and how this and that sucks. Fuck, we're all wasting our lives doing things that disconnect us from everyone else! You don't need a four or five year plan, and you sure as hell don't need to worry about feeling innocent and immature again. Worry about making everyday something to talk about, and not just another blank page in your life.

I used to act like you. I had a plan. I had a future, and all that blew away, but right now, I barely have a present, and that's how I've realized the error of our ways. Please, please, don't get old and die, and die of cancer, and realize you did nothing with your life but make plans that never happened. Don't miss opportunities anymore. If you like someone, tell them, if you think the time is right to kiss someone, do it. If you feel like you're in a rut, do something stupid and silly and fun. If you feel the world is ugly, make something beautiful. Stop being so cautious, some movie line said: "if you take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive."

Trust me, as much as life sucks sometimes, and wow, do I know it sucks, it is still the only thing we know. It is the only thing that matters, and it's wonderful. Life is a beautiful, ridiculous, tragic disaster, but it's the only thing we have. So don't let it lie by the wayside in pursuit of crap that's barely important. People are the most important resource, and so are the relationships we build with them. I feel the pinch of that more than ever now. If we could spend 400 billion dollars to cure cancer instead of building and maintaining weapons, I wouldn't have to write this. So this is, essentially, a plea. This is the most personal thing I've ever written, and I hope it reaches more people than I ever could.

Don't forget this is the only life you have, make something worthwhile out of it, and no one who you've laughed, cried, kissed, and bled with will ever forget you.

Because 1. I stole it from Shan's friend, 2. I like lists, and 3. It allows me occupy time...

Seven Things to Do Before I Die (Lord willing):
1. Fall head over heels in love.
2. Sing to my hearts content (could you believe that hasn't happened yet?).
3. Visit all of the beautiful places in this world.
4. Publish my writing (i.e. my journal, my music, my poetry, etc.).
5. Visit the Louvre and just sit and stare and wonder.
6. Slow down and smell the roses and take in every beautiful moment.
7. Jump off a waterfall (and live).
(I don't really think 7 gives me justice)

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Stop having hope.
2. Be serious (all the time).
3. Make coherent sentences out of incoherent thoughts.
4. Eat (most) seafood.
5. Love bugs (eww...).
6. Stop loving.
7. Let stress and pain and sadness control my life (again).

Seven Things that Attract Me to My Significant Other:
1. His smile.
2. His eyes.
3. His warmth and comfort.
4. His love.
5. His ambiguity.
6. His slip ups in letting me in.
7. That night and the realness.

Seven Things I Say (or write!) Most Often:
1. "Hey! How are you?"
2. "Okie dokie"
3. "I'm tired."
4. "Guess what? I'm sick again!"
5. "I don't know!" *with the confuzzled look on my face*
6. "Why does everyone pick on me?"
7. "I love you" Because I hate not saying it when I mean it...

Seven Books (or series) I Love:
1. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
2. The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown
3. The Lord of the Rings by Tolkien
4. Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
5. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
6. The Odyssey by Homer
7. The Bible

Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Lord of the Rings
2. Moulin Rouge
3. What Dreams May Come
4. The Chronicles of Narnia
5. Meet Joe Black
6. Big Fish
7. Garden State

Seven Songs that Explain Me:
1. Kristian Leontiou - Love is All I Need
2. Coldplay - Warning Sign
3. Lifehouse - Trying
4. Maria Mena - Fragile
5. A Perfect Circle - The Noose
6. Dishwalla - Candleburn
7. Mercy Me - I Can Only Imagine

Seven People I Want to Join in:
1. Lori
2. Jin-Sol
3. Sasha
4. Steven
5. Jake
6. Peter
7. And I'm leaving this spot open because I don't want to limit myself to 7 people...and I don't know who fills this spot yet...

Some lines that are getting to me...

I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
I've been taught to hold back my tears,
And avoid them.
But you make pain into something I could touch.

I think I'd be better off without you here.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that's okay.
Let them stop and stare.

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified.
The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die.
And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing.

When the night just cuts you through and the dream is lost to you, when you're worried and confused, I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder.

Send forth Your Light Lord,
And send forth Your Truth
Let them guide me to Your Holy Place
Then will I go to the Altar of God
To my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

You who live in heaven, hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth, who are afraid of being left by those we love, and who get hardened by the hurt.

The bravest thing I have is hope...

halogen, the lights will flicker
incadescent burning lies
and the silence stands for nothing
desperate i search the skies aching for a spark
trembling in pitchest dark

i hope to lose myself
for good
i hope to find it in the end
not in me ... me
in You

Could you let down your hair
And be transparent for a while
Just a little while
See if your human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And God I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

I can't run anymore
I fall before You
Here I am
I have nothing left
Though I've tried to forget
You're all that I am

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight

And I hope to never wake from this dream. For all the love in the world does not amount to the love of You. Bring peace to my unrelenting mind, bring solace to my aching heart, bring the fullness of love into my life, I pray to Thee...

Dear God,

I'm beginning to crack again. I feel myself withering away to something I've tried to forget for such a long time, but it keeps coming back to haunt me, literally in the middle of the night. I can't stand telling myself these shameless lies that I'm going to be okay, because the truth is, I'm not. Maybe I'm so afraid that if I'm vulnerable, I won't be strong, and I need to be strong because that's the only way I know how to live my life. Being strong for others and myself. It's killing me Lord, that I make it this way. That I keep bottling everything - my disappointment, my guilt, all the horrible things, and all the good things with them. I can never see clearly, and when I think I am, it feels like it suddenly gets taken away. All my dreams, all I want, is always within reach, but I can never get a hold on it.

Now, more than ever, I miss my best friend. I keep trying to get people to replace her, but it never works. I don't want anyone to replace her, but for her not to be here when I need her and when I want her to share those moments when I'm utterly happy, she's not, and my heart just breaks. On the phone last night, I know she didn't want to tell me she couldn't come home because she knew I'd be hurt, and I was, but I know nothing can be done. I know I also tried to change the subject, so I wouldn't show her how I really felt. It kills me even more that I have to do that. And it kills me that I know she needs me to, and I can't be there with her right now.

And then, there's him. And he sums up everything I could ever possibly dream of wanting, and I'm too chicken shit to do anything!! I just want to bare my soul, and I'm so scared. I read through my journal of what happened with Deryk, and it kills me that someone I loved and who I thought loved me, could handle my heart so wrecklessly. He made me believe he was it. How are people so cruel like that? And why do I let it affect me? I know all people aren't like them, and I know he's not, but why do I believe my hearts going to break again? Or have I already let it start breaking?

I need a way out. I can't stop living being so lonely, suffering in silence, and just...letting myself go. I need someone's help, Your help. When you hit rock bottom there's nowhere else to look but up...

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

- Alexander Pope

I think...

I think, I have some figuring out to do.
I don't know if I just need a push in the right direction, or a good talking to, but I know, as of late, I've started to become slightly, confused. About everything.
I need a good chat and a good journaling to get it straight.
Until then, I will ponder and wait.