This is harder then I thought...

Day 2 of this incessant inner conflict. I ask myself to what end will I continue to bleed such pain and such passion in one? It's almost two a.m. and my brain won't stop attempting to change what I feel in my heart...

I don't understand why I feel so strongly about it. Why my fingertips won't let it slip this time. Why I still have hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. Why I believe I'll change your mind. Why I think maybe it's still meant to be...

This is killing me inside...how does someone get so under your skin that you can longer get them out?


Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. ~Christian Nevell Bovee

Do you really understand what it's like? When everything seems so perfectly aligned...and it's not? I have never felt so conflicted....

I think I'm falling in ...

This water is too deep and wavy to tread.

All I want....why can't I have it?

Or...

Do I need to give up? (No...)

But i would
Go anywhere for you i would
Bite off more than i could chew for you
Go anywhere for you
If you asked me to i would
You know for you

I have a problem that I cannot explain,
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,
I lack the reason why I should be so confused

I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you

Left a message but it ain't a bit of use,
I have some pictures, the wild might be the deuce,
Today you saw, you saw me, you explained,
Playing the show and running down the plane

I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you, around you, around you

I, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you, around you, around you, around you

-System of a Down - Roulette

When you want things to be black or white. Right or wrong. Yes or No. Stay or Leave. Day or Night.
And they aren't...
It pains me that no matter how simplistic I want things to be, my life is going to remain utterly complicated until the day I cease to exist. Ergh to complexity!

I have the tendency to write random lines here and there and never finish my thoughts. Although they are beautiful words, they do not form coherent lines. They are incomplete, unfinished and meaningless without a reason or thought behind them. They are simply beautiful words, and what is the point in writing words with no meaning?

I think I'm going to begin to put them together...

So uninspired...

I'm sorry my friends for leaving you hanging for over a month for a simple journal entry expressing my thoughts in opinions or sharing the events of my life, or simply writing about the Coldplay concert which seems I went to ages ago now. But truthfully, for quite some time now, I feel uninspired, bland, and quite dead. If you've known me for long enough, I get into these modes where I block out everything that is truly important to me in this world, and replace it with a blank stare into space and a schedule of work and mindless play. And, when it finally catches up to me, my world is in shatters because I've neglected all that should be held of high importance in my life. I don't know whether I should feel completely numb or should lash out and scream about how truly stress-ridden and frustrated I am. I've been choosing numb lately.

I don't feel inspired even to write right now, I just feel I have to let out some of the steam or else I might pop. I'm turning 21 in less than a month and I feel so burdened by everything around me. I can't find solace, and even when I think I've made peace with all my demons, one of them snips me in the butt and reminds me that my life is just another step away from the fall down the rabbit hole...

I feel so superficial lately. Everything is a giant facade - a giant smiling facade! I feel like I've lied a million times over this last month, making a joke out of my current situation, saying it's not quite as uneventful as it may seem. When just for a moment, I'd like to take a step out of my life, just get out, and finally feel at ease for awhile....Ah, I'm getting all retarded now...

Is it strange to wish and dream and pray to have something back, that you never really had? Or maybe go back and undo something or someone that should have never happened? Maybe I do need to get out of my life before I lose my mind...