I realized today that I'm not as okay as I tell myself I am. Although I'm not emotional or feel overwhelmingly sad, I just feel...empty. Nothings exactly wrong, I just feel like my life has come to a sudden standstill where, although, I'm boring myself to death, I just don't want to move, don't want to think, don't want to do anything. I have these moments where I come back to reality and want to see my friends and go out and just enjoy a bit of freedom for once, but, for the most part, I just sit and don't think or do or say anything. I've stopped listening to music, I feel like I've stopped functioning. It's crazy, but I feel like since my life has come to this standstill, a little bit of my depression has come back.

What really made me think of this was the other night while talking to Aashika she said that I would randomly say, "I don't know" at different points in the conversation which made absolutely no sense. I remember back in high school, at the worst times, I would do this. It was almost as if I would say "I don't know" to myself, because I didn't know what was going on, how I felt, or what was wrong. Now that I'm doing it again, I can't help but feel the same way.

I don't even know if this qualifies as depression. Besides the lack of motivation to do anything remotely constructive or interesting, I just feel numb and empty. The only thing truly getting under my skin is my situation with my lack of employment, but even then, I think I've tried so hard and failed so much that I've lost my motivation. I still apply for jobs, but have absolutely no positive outlook on it.

But honestly, what is wrong with me!?!?!! I can't understand it and why it occassionally comes back, but, it does. Maybe it's the $69.80 phone bill I have to pay with the money I so obviously don't have. I don't understand. I DON'T KNOW! Brilliant...

I'm not going to the service at Meadow Creek tomorrow morning. I love going there on Sunday mornings, no matter what goes wrong during the week, I always feel better when I'm there. I don't know why I don't want to go, but I know I'm going to spend the morning in bed trying to figure out why I didn't go...