Bus music...

Did you ever see 40 Days and 40 Nights? Despite the fact that it's a semi-horrible movie, there is this scene where Josh Harnett's and Shannyn Sossamon's characters end up riding the bus all day together because 1. they are obviously 'sappily' in love with one another and 2. the bus is, apparently, Josh Harnett's favourite place to be. I'm not saying the bus is my favourite place to be, but sometimes, it does provide...a sense of comfort. Amidst all the stinky people and the one guy who tells his life story to every person who sits next to him, I'm comforted by the fact I know I'm being taken home and don't need to worry about the directions or where I'm headed exactly, at least for 20 minutes, when I need to get off and start walking. :P

But really, it gives me a chance to sit (or stand) and watch life go by at a slow pace where I can enjoy the scenary outside the window, but not so quickly as to miss discovering something new each time. My particular bus route, I love, because I travel under a canopy of trees and get to stare out at the city beneath me. And if it's just the right time of day, the sun begins to set and creates a glow, illuminating everything for miles. It's tranquil and calming for once, in a life filled with constantly being on the go and frantic, unrelentless thought. Just add music, and I'm set for another 20 minutes...

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here
I'm now
I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here
I'm now
I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here
I'm now
I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

And calls from bus stop to bus stop are nice too ;)

Honestly...

Honestly, I need to be broken
Honestly, I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundation
Honestly, I'm figuring out
That of all that I have
All that I need is You!

Honestly - Elias Dummer

You who were with me know what I mean...This is for you...

Thank you God for this beautiful man in my life.
For without his words tonight, I do not think I would see so clearly as I do now.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
- C.S. Lewis

Love is a tricky thing.

It makes your heart melt

And break in the same moment.

I guess thinking this is okay...

I don't need anybody, least of all you...then I would convince myself it's true :(

I'm not sure anymore.
I fall so easily and my heart is dangling from my sleeve.
I'm afraid of getting my heart broken.
Terrified.
I can't be left alone with my own thoughts, because I keep discouraging myself from it.
I don't know if I believe I deserve this.
My heart tells me I want it, my mind says it's the wrong time.
I thought I was positive.
And...things have a habit of changing in a blink of an eye.
I pray.
I cry.
A little piece of me dies inside each day.
My heart wants to speak what my lips cannot.
I'm emotionally bruised.
Restless.
Tired.
Is it the L word?
Why am I so afraid of the L word?
I'm in too deep.
I'm digging my own grave.
Maybe it is real.
I just need a sign to tell me it's real.
I wish I could see and hear the signs.
It feels real.
I want it to be real.
He makes me so happy and so sad at the same time.
Is this a love-hate relationship?
With myself?
One smile.
One laugh.
I want and need you.
Actions speak louder than words.
But are confusing.
I don't want to convince myself.
The only thing I know for certain, through all the cloudiness in my head, my thoughts and ramblings, is that I want to be with you.
I wish and pray I can.

The things running through my head...

The nights too long and cold here...without you...

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant last night was. It's amazing what reggae music can do to you ;) Oh, and all the things it did to 3 lovely young ladies last night. It's nice to have a night, every once in awhile, that makes you forget about all your troubles (and school work) and just gets you out there and moving.

And to come to a bittersweet conclusion that I need to open up my heart and finally be vulnerable, was amazing. I do not know if it was the beer or the endorphins rushing through my body, but I know I made the decision last night. And I will stand by it. Do it. Open up the possibility of love, because, this time, it's too amazing to let it pass by.

Anyone want to go journal shopping with me this week? ;)

Dirty Little Secret...or not so...

If I had the chance love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late
'Cause I've relied on my illusion
to keep me warm at night
and I've denied in my capacity to love
but I am willing to give up this fight

-Sarah McLachlan

Insanity...

I feel temporarily bouts of psychoses scrambling my brain and putting it on a deep fryer to make a greasy ball of mushy nonsense.

...

Did that make sense? I do not know...

Either way, MUGSI is frustrating the crappola out of me as I have been trying to get on to print my timetable in a last attempt to change my classics section tomorrow, forcing me to drag my butt down to McMaster on a day I clearly do not have classes and I clearly must take a long and debilitating trip to Toronto to pick up my beloved with her mother tomorrow. I hope there is a nice surprise at the end of that journey...say, some chocolate. English chocolate does sound nice. If not, I'm ecstatic to see my Lorraine and finally have her at home for awhile. Its as if I've been missing an appendage of my body since she's disappeared for so many months. Maybe an arm or a leg. Something I cannot function without...and NO not the 'appendage' you dirty birds are thinking about. I am currently working on gaining one of those (ask me to elaborate in private for those who are not a part of this sick and twisted scheme which us gals developed way back in high school). However, I'll explain a bit more in that...area...in a moment...

I must traverse onto something that happened to me tonight which was slightly shocking, to say the least, and a giant eye opener in my books. As I was walking out of the hospital tonight, I ran into a nameless acquaintance from my childhood who is now, in fact, about to give birth. 13 days overdue. to a baby boy. And after my initial gasp and congratulations and the chit chat/catching up act, I began to think, "Wow, this girl I knew when I was a kid, is all grown up now and having babies!" (Yes, sorry for the unintellectual statement I just made, but sometimes the bouts of psychoses transverse into my normal thought patterns and I tell myself something really dumb)

Anyways, it just struck me with amazement that this girl was now a woman. Then of course, I kicked myself in the butt with, "Why the hell aren't you a woman now?" Alright, now don't take this as me going out and making babies (but as a joke I already have about 532 of them with Lorraine...all living in Germany), but I've never really grown out of that girlish mindset. Sure, I can be mature at times (Yeah, I know, that's a lie :P), but when do you actually become...womanly? When you get married? When you have babies? When you get a career? I just think sometimes, like most teenagers do, that I'm invincible and nothing is going to change in my life. I can picture the husband, the babies and the career, but I cannot picture myself ...getting older. I've become stuck in this 20 something image of myself and it's kind of strange. I want to get old and wrinkly, but I've never been able to picture that part of my life. Is this a bad thing? I don't know...but the thought of my life moving on from this incredible point that it's hit, is hard to imagine...

On another note, a short one at that, my heart has yet again gone for another spin. Am I going to do it? I better, because I don't want to keep screaming chicken poo or being called a pussy care of Matty! Although that was funny...Matty, you're a darling...you're like the big, little brother I never had! (Hold on, I have two of those....ah, they're not as funny as you!)

To get it out of Matty's system, I am told to blog about him. There Matt, happy, I just did. :P

Now, onto more important matters (not that Matty's not important, he's just...not as important as my issues, lol)...a beautiful song, because it simply inspires me to keep continuing on...and keeps me reloading MUGSI to make it work! :

The heart breaking makes a sound
I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud
Fury-filled and we collide

So courageous until now
Fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes a beautiful collision
Is happening now
There seems no end to where You begin and where I end now
You and I, collide

Something circling inside
Spaciously you fly
Infinite and white
Like the moon and sky
Collide

Here it comes a beautiful collision
Is happening now
There seems no end to where You begin and where I end now
You and I, collide

Here it comes...
Collide...
Here it comes now (You and I)...
Feel it coming on now...
Here it comes now...

Goodnight and hope everyone gets on to MUGSI ;)

I love...

...nights sitting around and talking
...drinking Guinness
...eating chocolate cheesecake that probably has like 500 calories in one bite
...laughing about high school physics
...telling ridiculous stories
...getting a faceful of Sasha and Jake bum :P
...ticklings
...daydreaming
...making plans about travelling the world together
...the time I spend with some of the most fantastic people in my life
...my friends