Dear God,

I'm beginning to crack again. I feel myself withering away to something I've tried to forget for such a long time, but it keeps coming back to haunt me, literally in the middle of the night. I can't stand telling myself these shameless lies that I'm going to be okay, because the truth is, I'm not. Maybe I'm so afraid that if I'm vulnerable, I won't be strong, and I need to be strong because that's the only way I know how to live my life. Being strong for others and myself. It's killing me Lord, that I make it this way. That I keep bottling everything - my disappointment, my guilt, all the horrible things, and all the good things with them. I can never see clearly, and when I think I am, it feels like it suddenly gets taken away. All my dreams, all I want, is always within reach, but I can never get a hold on it.

Now, more than ever, I miss my best friend. I keep trying to get people to replace her, but it never works. I don't want anyone to replace her, but for her not to be here when I need her and when I want her to share those moments when I'm utterly happy, she's not, and my heart just breaks. On the phone last night, I know she didn't want to tell me she couldn't come home because she knew I'd be hurt, and I was, but I know nothing can be done. I know I also tried to change the subject, so I wouldn't show her how I really felt. It kills me even more that I have to do that. And it kills me that I know she needs me to, and I can't be there with her right now.

And then, there's him. And he sums up everything I could ever possibly dream of wanting, and I'm too chicken shit to do anything!! I just want to bare my soul, and I'm so scared. I read through my journal of what happened with Deryk, and it kills me that someone I loved and who I thought loved me, could handle my heart so wrecklessly. He made me believe he was it. How are people so cruel like that? And why do I let it affect me? I know all people aren't like them, and I know he's not, but why do I believe my hearts going to break again? Or have I already let it start breaking?

I need a way out. I can't stop living being so lonely, suffering in silence, and just...letting myself go. I need someone's help, Your help. When you hit rock bottom there's nowhere else to look but up...