Some thoughts to begin a new year upon :S

I'm beginning to think that my pursuits have become a lost cause. Whether this be my current loneliness speaking or the cold drugs, I'm not quite sure, but I'm beginning to feel it slipping from my fingertips. Maybe I'm becoming sick of the chase, the constant...turmoil, for lack of a better word, that I put myself through. The other night I sat there and wondered, yet again, if my heart was really in it. Now, this isn't a question of whether I like him or not, because I do, it's the question of whether I'm ready. I feel like I keep lying to myself when I say I'm ready to do it and take the next step, and then I don't. It scares me that even when I find clarity, and find something in my life that brings me complete and utter happiness, I feel like running. It's sad that I feel so unworthy of something so beautiful because of what someone drilled into my head long ago. I think that's the first honest thing I've told myself in a long time...

Well, it's the night of resolutions for the upcoming year and I know for one, I shall be making quite a few because I want to get out of this stinking rut once and for all. Happy New Years ;)