Prayer Requests...

I'm not one to ask for anything. I guess, in a way, I feel like sometimes I already relay a lot of my problems, my indiscretions, and my burdens upon the shoulders of my friends, that I sometimes forget that all I really need is their simple love and support. At the same time, I feel guilty for asking for anything because I fear that sometimes it will be too much for you. But as I've discovered, it's becoming very tiresome and difficult for me. A lot of you know that I've been having some tremendous difficulty finding a job, having enough money to support myself, having issues with my family (ongoing and never ending), and trying to find things to do with the endless time I have (*cough* someone save me!!! *cough*). Mentally, emotionally and spiritually I've become drained and I need a boost. So I'm hoping you guys can give up a couple of minutes to my cause and really pray that things start to sort themselves out in my life. I need God's compassion and guidance in this one, because I need to start learning to relinquish my life into His hands completely.

Anywho, thankies and keeping you in my prayers.

I realized today that I'm not as okay as I tell myself I am. Although I'm not emotional or feel overwhelmingly sad, I just feel...empty. Nothings exactly wrong, I just feel like my life has come to a sudden standstill where, although, I'm boring myself to death, I just don't want to move, don't want to think, don't want to do anything. I have these moments where I come back to reality and want to see my friends and go out and just enjoy a bit of freedom for once, but, for the most part, I just sit and don't think or do or say anything. I've stopped listening to music, I feel like I've stopped functioning. It's crazy, but I feel like since my life has come to this standstill, a little bit of my depression has come back.

What really made me think of this was the other night while talking to Aashika she said that I would randomly say, "I don't know" at different points in the conversation which made absolutely no sense. I remember back in high school, at the worst times, I would do this. It was almost as if I would say "I don't know" to myself, because I didn't know what was going on, how I felt, or what was wrong. Now that I'm doing it again, I can't help but feel the same way.

I don't even know if this qualifies as depression. Besides the lack of motivation to do anything remotely constructive or interesting, I just feel numb and empty. The only thing truly getting under my skin is my situation with my lack of employment, but even then, I think I've tried so hard and failed so much that I've lost my motivation. I still apply for jobs, but have absolutely no positive outlook on it.

But honestly, what is wrong with me!?!?!! I can't understand it and why it occassionally comes back, but, it does. Maybe it's the $69.80 phone bill I have to pay with the money I so obviously don't have. I don't understand. I DON'T KNOW! Brilliant...

I'm not going to the service at Meadow Creek tomorrow morning. I love going there on Sunday mornings, no matter what goes wrong during the week, I always feel better when I'm there. I don't know why I don't want to go, but I know I'm going to spend the morning in bed trying to figure out why I didn't go...

This is harder then I thought...

Day 2 of this incessant inner conflict. I ask myself to what end will I continue to bleed such pain and such passion in one? It's almost two a.m. and my brain won't stop attempting to change what I feel in my heart...

I don't understand why I feel so strongly about it. Why my fingertips won't let it slip this time. Why I still have hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. Why I believe I'll change your mind. Why I think maybe it's still meant to be...

This is killing me inside...how does someone get so under your skin that you can longer get them out?


Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. ~Christian Nevell Bovee

Do you really understand what it's like? When everything seems so perfectly aligned...and it's not? I have never felt so conflicted....

I think I'm falling in ...

This water is too deep and wavy to tread.

All I want....why can't I have it?

Or...

Do I need to give up? (No...)

But i would
Go anywhere for you i would
Bite off more than i could chew for you
Go anywhere for you
If you asked me to i would
You know for you

I have a problem that I cannot explain,
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,
I lack the reason why I should be so confused

I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you

Left a message but it ain't a bit of use,
I have some pictures, the wild might be the deuce,
Today you saw, you saw me, you explained,
Playing the show and running down the plane

I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you, around you, around you

I, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I, I know, how I feel when I'm around you,
I don't know, how I feel when I'm around you,
Around you, around you, around you, around you

-System of a Down - Roulette

When you want things to be black or white. Right or wrong. Yes or No. Stay or Leave. Day or Night.
And they aren't...
It pains me that no matter how simplistic I want things to be, my life is going to remain utterly complicated until the day I cease to exist. Ergh to complexity!

I have the tendency to write random lines here and there and never finish my thoughts. Although they are beautiful words, they do not form coherent lines. They are incomplete, unfinished and meaningless without a reason or thought behind them. They are simply beautiful words, and what is the point in writing words with no meaning?

I think I'm going to begin to put them together...